I recently learned that HBO is airing a documentary on Monday, July 25 called There’s Something Wrong with Aunt Diane, examining the mystery of the 2009 Taconic State Park Tragedy. The film’s promotional material asks whether she was “a reckless drunk and a mother who cracked” or “the perfect wife and mother” described by so many. While we will likely never know what really happened on that fateful day – it has moved me to share my own story.
My name is Colleen and I am an alcoholic in recovery. There are still pervasive stereotypes and myths in our society regarding what an alcoholic/addict looks and acts like. Many people think they would be able to tell if they were in the presence of an alcoholic/addict. The truth is that addicts are lawyers and doctors, teachers and government officials. And yes, addicts are working and stay-at-home moms.
I grew up with an alcoholic mom and made myself a promise at a very young age that I would be nothing like her. I was going to be the mother she could never be and most importantly, I would not be an alcoholic! I would be the perfect mom to my children, our home would be spotless and I would always be the gracious hostess. I would volunteer for everything under the sun, nothing would ever be too much. The word NO was not in my vocabulary. I could do it all…perfectly.
After I married and had children, people came to know me as the PTA mom who kept her house spotless, always remembered birthdays and organized meals when someone was sick. I started a playgroup while going back to school for a second degree (and graduating Summa Cum Laude).
My husband traveled frequently for work so I often had to be both mom and dad to our two boys. When my husband was home – I played the perfect wife – cooking gourmet meals, accompanying him to business events and spending time together at our country club.
But trying to be the perfect mother, wife and friend was just exhausting. I was overwhelmed and became anxious. I constantly had too many things on my plate. If someone asked me for help, I could not turn them away. I did not want to disappoint anyone, ever. I could do it all and I was very successful for many years.
I began drinking more often and little by little I was out of control. But I couldn’t admit it to anyone. If I said it aloud it would be an admission that I was a failure. At the time, I felt that I’d rather be dead than a failure, a less than perfect mom.
While I was working hard to keep up this “perfect” image, I would drive under the influence with my children in the car, blackout during the middle of the day – losing pieces of time, allow the television to parent my children at night while I drank wine and talked to friends on the phone and lied about it all to everyone I loved.
I always felt that I had to put a different mask on – it was like constant costume changes. Sometimes, I would become mixed up – which mask was I suppose to be wearing that day? I turned to alcohol increasingly to take me away from that people pleasing performance and temporarily soothe my anxiety, anger, fear and loneliness.
I kept telling myself that as long as everything looked perfect from the outside than everything would be okay. But it wasn’t. I was slowly dying and I’m certain that tragedy would have ensued if I’d continued on that path.
Very close to the end of my active alcoholism I recall looking in the mirror in my master bathroom and I did not recognize the person looking back at me. I just wanted it all to stop. I love my kids and I love being a mom – I couldn’t envision them growing up with a mother who was a failure and an alcoholic.
Still, it took me a long time and a series of consequences – fortunately none of them catastrophic – for me to ask for help. And that was just the beginning.
I went to treatment at Caron for four months. My family also received treatment at Caron and together we worked hard to rebuild our lives. I learned I have a disease and I am not a bad person, I am sick. But I also learned when I’m using I can act in really unhealthy and dangerous ways.
I’ll never be cured. I need to manage my disease every day for the rest of my life, as if I had diabetes or heart disease. Today, I’ve been sober for more than 5 years. I still have days where I have to slow down, breathe and remind myself that my sobriety must come first and the world will not end because I’m not the “perfect” mom or wife.
I am truly grateful for the beautiful life I have and I can honestly say I like myself. Today, I am comfortable in my own skin; I have self-respect and confidence. I am not ashamed to say, I am an alcoholic in recovery. I am proud of the person I’m becoming. I have earned the respect and trust of others. Just being honest has opened so many paths and joys in life.
My heart breaks for Diane, everyone who died that day and the loved ones left to pick up the pieces. I’m sure their pain is unspeakable and I hope and pray for them to find a way to heal.
My drinking caused so much pain for the people I love the most in life. I know today the damage and consequences could have been so much worse for my family and me. I also know if I pick up a drink tomorrow all my hopes and dreams will disappear. My boys will grow up without the mother they truly deserve to have. The kind of mom I want to be for them for many more years to come.
Today, when I meet a woman who is struggling, I share with her what others told me – you are not alone and there is hope. There are so many beautiful women who suffer from the disease of alcoholism. They do not have to continue living in constant fear or pain. There is a better way of life, a new life called recovery. Just try, take a chance because you are worth it, your children are worth it. For in the long run, you will be a healthier woman and a wonderful mother.
Colleen is a Caron Alumni and a member of Caron’s Philadelphia Advisory Board. She recently celebrated five years of sobriety.
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